My personal disobedience

Hi! Hey, okay. So. This is hard to post, but here goes!
Everyone who has ever met me in person knows that I’ve wrestled my whole life with overeating! I’ve tried lots of different things and failed at them all.

It’s embarrassing, no one wants to be overweight. Also- I’m a Christian, if you know me you probably also know that I talk big talk about how God is good, and real, and how in Him, there’s hope for everything!
Well, it has been consistently embarrassing that I’ve not been able to find a key or a… solution to this. It feels like, Okay, how can I encourage people that the Lord is their help for their BIG things, when my big thing obviously just goes unchanged? It’s not like I hadn’t gone to the Lord about it! But the years just went by, and nothing was different. Okay- about five or six years ago, when praying, the Lord asked me to give up two things: White flour and white sugar. I knew it was his leading. I resisted, or- tried, a little, for a few hours. But I just couldn’t do it! But over and over- whenever I would see a new diet plan or a new idea that might work for me- I would have this inner prick from the Holy Spirit- that I shouldn’t waste my time on any of those “new plans.” I should just obey what the Lord told me. You have no idea how many times I tried! I knew it was what I should do, but I just couldn’t do it!

Then in January 2017, I somehow made it through the whole day on New Years. And then January 2. and then January 3! And then it was a week! And then two!! The thing that kept me going was that I was posting regularly on a private Instagram account that a few people followed that kept me fairly accountable.
After 40 days, I was feeling amazing. My energy was up- my whole diet had shifted a lot, just from eliminating those two things, and I had lost a lot! I mean, like 13 inches off my waist. It was CRAZY.

But I fell off the bandwagon. Like, I don’t know what happened right there- I tried to shift into “I can eat SOME white flour and white sugar,” and within a week I was just back to my old eating patterns, and regained it all.

The thing is- I really do think that for whatever reason, I have an addiction to sugar and there is this huge shift in me- when I’m putting sugar/white flour into my system, it triggers something in me so that I overeat EVERYTHING. But when I’m abstaining from it, somehow my appetite for the other foods fall into order. I don’t know why that is, and I don’t think it’s true for all people. But it seems to be true for me.

Anyway, since then I’ve been back to the same old, same old- always having a nagging feeling that I’m not doing it right, but yet not having the motivation to do something about it. Several times I’ve thought: I just need to do that again! But I try, for about 6 hours, and then cave.

In the last few months, I’ve been talking to the Lord about it more and more. I knew what he had said before- and I knew, in the back of my mind, that I should probably just do that again.

But I just couldn’t stick to it! No matter how many days I would go to bed saying that I would do it in the morning, I would get up and make it to maaaaaaybe 1pm. And then I’d give in and eat something sugary.

Anyway, I’ve been really frustrated about this. I mean, I’m almost 40! Was I ever going to get over this?

Okay, and then the last few days I was reading in 1 Chronicles 13-15. You know David? King David? He’s God’s favorite king. I mean, he’s this shepherd kid who God calls out of the sheep pen, makes into a warrior, and then gives him the Kingdom. He’s really amazing.

Well, one of the first things that happens when David becomes king is this:

There is this ark, it’s a gold box that is filled with holy things- and it belongs in the holiest place. It’s a symbol to all of Israel of God’s presence. Before David is king, there is another king- and he is basically an enemy of God in a lot of ways. THAT king fails in a battle, and the ark is stolen by the actual enemies of Israel.

Then, that king dies, and the Lord calls, anoints, trains, and installs David as HIS king. He gives David the power to defeat the enemies and push them back.
And David, excitedly, throws a big party to celebrate the Lord- and to bring back the ark.

Okay, I know this is getting long, but hear me out.

David has a parade of people, singing God’s praise, saying: YES, LORD, WE LOVE YOU! WE WANT TO FOLLOW YOU!! And in this parade is a cart carrying this beautiful ark back to it’s special home.

BUT THEN. The oxen stumble, and the cart tips, and a man reaches out to steady the ark- and then this:

“And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzzah, and he struck him down because he put out his hand to the ark, and he died there before God.”

1 Chronicles 13: 10, ESV

And then it says that David is really angry at the Lord, and he sticks the ark in some random place for awhile.

Two chapters later, in chapter 15, David has calmed down a little, and once again- he calls a party and a parade to bring the ark home. THIS time, he calls together the priests and tells them: “prepare yourself, get all ready in this special way, because you’re going to carry the ark home on poles on your shoulders.”

You see… David, in that in between time- somehow figured out that God had a specific way that He wanted his ark to be handled.

You guys- I feel like… For a long time the Lord has been teaching me about how good He is- how ridiculously, tenderly, unreasonably good. He has been so kind, so patient with me. So good.

But I got a glimpse here- just a little glimpse- of this: God is not someone to just… ignore. Disregard.

I mean, all this time I’ve been saying: Yes, Lord, I know you directed me to fast those two things- But I can’t! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m just, I don’t know! A failure! Weak! Fix me!

And this yesterday I read this, and I’m like… ouch. It’s not a suggestion, is it, when the Lord leads you??

I’m not saying I think the Lord is going to strike me dead for eating a cookie. But I AM saying that I think the reason I don’t see wholeness in this area is directly related to the fact that I’m not obeying.

So I was like – HOW can I keep myself doing it?? When I fail every time!?

And then I realized: I’m ridiculously vain. hahahaha

Outside accountability really works for me. I mean, when I kept it up back a few years ago- It was that instagram account I was running!

So I decided to write this. To make it bold and public:

You guys. I’m not supposed to be eating white flour or sugar. I know it. If I’m doing it, and you’re around, I’m disobeying what I know the Lord has told me to do. I’m confessing right now that I’ve been avoiding obeying for a long time, and It was wrong, and I’m turning from it.

I realize that I believe the Lord has a whole, healthy life for me- but it takes obedience, and I want to walk in it! I want to see the Lord’s good will for me, not only because I want to be blessed, but because I want to be a testimony that He can work good for you, too!

I don’t fully understand all of this. I feel like I’m going to get all sorts of random responses and opinions about everything from good diet practices to “no new revelation.” I’m already dreading it.

But I’m just trying to be bold and die to my own pride so that maybe I can see some victory.

So, here I go. feel free to ask me how it’s going! Please! And I would like to try to update here, maybe every week for awhile.

Okay, that’s all I have to say.

BYee!!!!