Should I leave?

I wish you would respect yourself. 

I wish you would stand up. 

I think maybe you think you are being kind, or loving, or not selfish? Maybe. 

But what I see is that you are letting him treat you disrespectfully. You’re letting him, selfishly, do what he pleases- take what he wants, and destroy you. 

It’s killing you. 

But here’s the thing- while you’re letting him do this thing, He’s killing you- the joyful, truthful, hopeful you that I love.

But he’s killing them too- the children. Your children are watching, your children are also dying, watching as the two people in the world do the most terrible things.

One takes and takes and takes 

And the other says, “I can’t stop it, I am powerless.” 

You are teaching your children that there are two options in the world: Kill or be killed. 

Your daughter is looking at you, her eyes sinking deeper and sadder every time I see her, and what she sees is that she must grow up and fight, 

Or be killed. 

She’s not learning that love is a beautiful thing, that marriage is a friendship, that equal partnership is possible. 

She’s learning that men are selfish, and women are abused, and she’s deciding every day whether she’s going to grow up and steel herself off from other people, or whether she’s going to sigh and be like you, and be stepped on or beaten or dominated, or whether she’s going to fight and kick and be the dominant one like her dad. 

Your sons, too, your lovely, affectionate, snuggly boys. So full of curiosity, so full of smartness, quick thinkers. They’re watching you. They pity you, their beautiful mother, they want to protect you but how can they?
And so they’ll grow angry. First with their dad, which will come out in all sorts of ways- rebellion and distancing themselves. Or they’ll try to fight him, but you’ll take their dad’s side, and they’ll hate you. Or both.

Or worse- they’ll grow up and act just like him, and hate themselves for it., and they’ll avoid you both because you remind them of it.

Listen, you think you have no recourse. 

You think- you can’t leave. What will you do for money? Where will you live? What will you do, how will you go about it? You know there are so, so many people who would step in and help you if you ask. I would. There are resources, there are churches. There are people who love you and who are distanced from you because- well, because they couldn’t watch it anymore. Because they wanted to help you but you wouldn’t let them. They haven’t forgotten you. They haven’t.

I wonder if you think he’ll kill you, if you think he’ll chase you down and find you, and hurt you. 

Maybe he’s said that. 

Maybe he’s hurt you before. 

Maybe you think you’re trapped. 

Please, open up to another person. There is safety and power in community. When you’re alone, when you’re isolated, you’re vulnerable. There are more people who have been in your shoes than you know. There are more places to run than you realize. There is help.

Or maybe you think… you love him. Maybe you think, in his quiet moments, when he’s vulnerable with you- maybe he’s said that you’re the only thing saving him. 

It’s a lie. HONEY it’s a lie, Oh, my gosh, it’s a lie. 

He doesn’t even really, truly know he’s lying, he genuinely thinks sometimes that you’re his savior. 

He may have even threatened to hurt himself if you go 

But honey 

Oh, honey, please, I’m begging you, listen. It is not love to let him do this. It is enabling.

You are the only one who can fix this injustice. 

You see, every person has the right to do evil. Every person has the right to choose their sins. 

But no one has the right to enslave another. 

He has the right to do what he’s doing. If he wants to succumb to his own passions, his own selfishness. If he wants to reject help for his addiction (and every excuse is a rejection) that is HIS CHOICE. You can’t force him to make a good choice. And guess what? His bad choices will reap consequences, they will. It’s just the way the world works.

You aren’t saving him from those consequences by staying 

You aren’t saving his life. 

You’re just reaping those consequences along with him, and prolonging evil, and even enabling him to keep doing wrong.

You see, as long as he has you to condone his actions, he thinks what he’s doing is “not that bad.” 

But it is! 

As long as you keep forgiving him, he thinks that he is forgiven. 

But he isn’t. 

He is continually choosing wrong. He is continually choosing to do wrong to you, and to your children, and to himself. 

You can’t save him from his choices, but you can stop insulating him from the results of those choices so that he can actually, maybe, learn and find the strength he needs to figure his life out.

Oh honey. I want so much better for you… but you have to believe that you deserve it. 

And I think the hardest thing might be for you that for some reason you think you don’t. 

You think- for some reason- that you deserve the evil you’re getting. You think that abuse is your lot. 

Honey, honey, honey, my heart is breaking for this. I’m begging you, with all the mother heart inside of me, to please listen to me, let me smooth the hair out of your face and tell you that- NO THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU ARE MEANT TO LIVE. 

Whatever you’ve done, whatever you’ve said, whatever you’ve agreed to, whatever part you’ve played in this mess, it does not mean that you have to live every day for the rest of your life in abuse to atone for it. 

That’s not what the Lord would have for you. 

And can I say something else? I know you love him. I know. 

The stupid, crazy thing is that I understand- I love him too. I look at him tenderly and want so much better for him. 

I want to bind his wounds and heal his pain. 

I want a life for him that would include you and him being together- the way you’re meant to be. 

But don’t you see that waking up tomorrow the way you woke up today is not the path to that life? 

To heal the body, sometimes you have to do some major surgery. 

To set a bone correctly, sometimes it has to be re-broken. 

Sometimes the good only comes on the other side of something really brave. 

I’m writing this for you, lovely, beautiful. I’m writing this for you because I’m so tired and grieved with this life you’ve been living. 

I want something better for you, and for him, and for your children, and for the world that you are meant to be a part of. But you have to be brave. You have to take a deep breath and make a decision out of faith- not of fear. You have to think of your children, and do what’s best for them, not what’s easiest. You have to think of your love, and be brave enough to make a bold stand that might, maybe, save both of your lives.